Budget day approaches and MPs continue to line their own pockets by increasing per capita expenditure on mental health issues, not to give Prime Mentalist Cameron an unfair advantage, a spokesperson insists. The real story though continues to be the increasing likelihood of a return to the Chocolate Standard. A wide range of lenders from the big boys at the worlds’ favourite money launderers, Ping Pong Banking Corporation, through to giro day loan companies are raging at the prospect that negative inflation will mean them paying interest to people who have borrowed from them.
Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carnage, acted swifty to allay fears, bringing the wisdom of a foreign education to explain that since 1694 when God’s appointed financial adviser on earth, the English monarch, begat the Bank of England, we have been worshipping at the altar of year on year growth. The new negative interest payments were simply two sides of the same coin and the Royal Mint are actively considering a two-faced coin, the double-header, made from recycled chocolate. Before you rush down to your local Wonka’s Outlet Store issuance will be dependent on the introduction of the Chocolate Standard.
Barrat Holmes, of We Flog Any Garage, notes, “A meagre £1,000,000 mortgage based on 3.5% APR could mean payments of £5,000 a month. But if the APR becomes -3.5% the bank has to pay £5,000 a month to you. So the more you borrow from them, the more they have to pay you.” Straightforward? Well, no not until there is a universal Chocolate Standard, as no-one wants worthless fiat currency – remember the Curly Wurly?. The Swiss Toblerone continues to be the choice of both the Chinese and the Russians. Both produce inferior chocolate bars and until recently were heavily leveraged in Herpes Bars.
Indeed, one cheerful debtor told us, “I’m quids in, I’m going to take out as many pay day loans as I can. And if I don’t pay back the capital then they have to pay me penalties. If there’s no chocolate, I’ll take pre-decimalisaion Toffos.”
Within London’s square mile many financial institutions are thought to be keeping a stiff upper lip. “Brown lips tell no lies”, said a spokespersonfor PPBC, assuring us that the bank had plenty of reserves to cover the unexpected payments but the Herpes Bar wrappers strewn around Canary Warf told a different story.
“Don’t worry. We’ll just take it out of old people’s savings accounts. They can suck but they can’t chew” He explained. Can we really expect a return to 2008 when pensioners queued day and night to suck on a length of Northern Rock? Will our denture less pensioners really find chocolate easier to swallow? We will find out on Wednesday or will we? Despite threats of criminal action against against lickers and hoarders we hear that Minstrels are flying off the shelves. Like an ISA they have a worthless outer shell but the same goods are on the inside, allbeit at a premium. Their practicality, mobility and ease of storage make them the preferred under the radar purchase.
Known as ‘little bitches’ or sovereigns, Minstrels are the choice of bankers around the world, who are known to swap hands at ninety-nine when indulging. “Wall’s have ears, I found one in my ninety nine once but my tip to the plebs is to do the opposite to the crowd, no cream eggs for me, what’s Easter?”, said Baron Redshield.
A case of suck it and see. Meanwhile Britains premier parasitic pensioner has no such financial woes as the family firm, founded in 1066, is guaranteed to endorse your choccy bars soon with a brand new effigy.
“With a succession of new Chairmen lined up through until the turn of the century only an oubreak of common sense will halt this Greco-German brand,” said Russel Bland.
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